More Than I Could Have Ever Wished For
by ssjx7squall
Summary: Shiznat ACT ONESHOT Natsuki reminices about shizuru and her and how they got where they are. Lots of fluff, or what i think is considered fluff


A/N: I realize i am a few hours late but not being someone who has to get things posted on a certain day that doesnt matter much to me. I tried to have this up for valentines day but i started working on it real late. All i can say is i hope you like this story, probably one i have written i liket he most so far (tho that doesnt mean to say i think its good) Lemme know what you think. This is a Oneshot

ssjx7squall

* * *

Natsuki sighed as she plopped down on the couch in front of the T.V. It had been a long day for her at school filled with all the things that used to make her ditch every single day. Stretch her arms out behind her she turned her attention to her reason for actually going to school the past few months. 

Through the bar window Shizuru could be seen washing the dishes from the diner they had just finished eating. Natsuki smiled. She really didn't know why but she just loved to watch Shizuru in moments like this. It was so easy for her to lose her self watching Shizuru, the way she walks, the way she talks, the way she smiles, the way she laughs.

_It took us a while to get here, but we finally did._ Natsuki thought, a sad smile appearing on her face.

After the carnival things had gone down hill for Natsuki. She began to become a recluse, not leaving her apartment except for when it was absolutely necessary. She completely stopped attending school and she soon found her self drinking her self to sleep just about every night. She never really had a taste for alcohol before but after weeks of fighting off tears every night she found that it was the quickest way to get to sleep and get through that period of the night.

Natsuki really didn't know why she completely shut her self off from the world but she did know it had something to do with Shizuru. The older girl was the reason Natsuki cried her self to sleep every night. She was the reason Natsuki didn't go anywhere.

After the carnival all Natsuki's conflicted feelings came up from the dark hole she always shoved them down in to. She found her self very afraid. Not because she didn't trust Shizuru or that she felt she had been betrayed, but because she didn't want to face the fact that someone actually cared about her. That someone actually **needed** her.

After learning of her mother's betrayal she had completely shut down emotionally, and had it not been for Shizuru she really would have bee lost then but of course her best friend had saved her while sacrificing her self emotionally. Shizuru had laid bare her soul for Natsuki to do with as she pleased.

Every time Natsuki tried to think about why someone would do that for her, she hit a brick wall. She really couldn't understand that mind set, it was completely foreign to her. Disbelief was her immediate feeling. Then fear. Every time she had opened her self up to love, even to those who were no longer around she had been hurt and abandoned. It had taken her a long time to finally understand all those feelings she had for Shizuru were love.

Realizing that she loved someone else she was faced with new fears. If she depended on someone what would she do if she was abandoned again? What if she wasn't good enough for Shizuru? How could Shizuru actually love someone like her? Did Shizuru really love her?

It was then that Natsuki realized all that Shizuru had been going through and it was shortly later that she finally realized exactly how much she had hurt Shizuru during the carnival.

Natsuki cringed… _I really hurt her… I wish I could take it all back._

Natsuki's dive into despair might have continued forever had Mai not invited her out one night to karaoke. Natsuki refused of course but was shortly there after drug out of her apartment by Mai, Mikoto and a very frustrated Nao.

Natsuki later found out that it was Nao who had told everyone the state she was in, and had asked for help. This of course surprised Natsuki but Shizuru who was right next to her when she found out merely nodded thoughtfully as if that was what she had thought all along.

When they had gotten to the karaoke bar Natsuki of course refused to sing a single song and no one had been able to force her to either, but she did not fight Midori's suggestion of ordering quite a few drinks.

That was how two hours later she found her self completely drunk. She had ended up drinking everything Midori had ordered and was in the worse state she had ever been, curled up and crying on the couch. All the loneliness, all the pain, all the loss came to the surface that night and she was no longer able to fight it off. Everyone tried to consol her but she fought them all off, swatting away arms and hugs, ignoring all words said to try and comfort her.

It was then that a worried Mai called Shizuru. A short while later Natsuki found herself surrounded by a familiar and comforting smell, relaxing into a warm embrace.

She never remembered how she got home but she remembered what happened when she got there. Shizuru had tried to put her to bed and leave but Natsuki stopped her. The alcohol giving her courage she fought off the other girls attempts to get her into bed to rest and instead fell into her arms. Crying and pleading she did what Shizuru had a few months prior, she laid bare her soul, hoping that she was still wanted, that she was still loved.

And of course she was. The angel that Shizuru was, all she did was brush away Natsuki's tears and hugged her tight. That night Shizuru was going to go home after she had Natsuki settled but Natsuki wouldn't allow it. Holding on to the other girl as if she were going to leave forever, Natsuki forced her into bed with her and they fell asleep in each others arms.

Natsuki smiled again. _That wasn't the last time either._ She continued watching Shizuru wash dishes, getting lost in the simple motions that the older girl turned into a beautiful dance with her grace. _I still don't know how she does it but everything she does is just so…perfect._

It was shortly after that night that Natsuki and Shizuru became an official couple. It always amazed Natsuki how natural and comfortable it felt. She found that she felt completely safe and..._"whole." _Natsuki thought smiling.

Something though, that made all their friends laugh and joke was how possessive Natsuki became of Shizuru after they became official. Sending death glares to every single member of her girlfriend's fan club, they soon learned to keep their distance whenever she was nearby, especially after one of the boys turned up one day with a broken arm.

Never having been in a relationship before Natsuki found her self very insecure despite how little Shizuru demanded of her. Shizuru never forced anything on her, never asked her for anything. Every time Natsuki seriously asked Shizuru about this Shizuru would just smile, pull her close, nuzzling her head in Natsuki's neck and say, "This is all I ever need."

Despite this Natsuki tried desperately to try and please her girlfriend, but it still took her a while to muster up the courage to even be able to kiss Shizuru. The day it finally happened came a month after they had been together. Eating lunch one day the flower garden that held so many memories for them, Natsuki had been staring at Shizuru while she lectured her on her poor attendance when suddenly she leaned over and kissed her.

Shizuru was so shocked she didn't know what was going on for a moment before she grabbed the back of Natsuki's head pulling her deeper into the kiss. They fell back onto the grass continuing the kiss until they had to separate for much needed oxygen.

Tears were streaming down Shizuru's face making Natsuki think she had some how messed up. Vehemently apologizing and nearly crying her self she was silenced when a pair of lips pressed them self back against hers.

"Natsuki was perfect." Shizuru said pulling her into a tight hug. "This is more than I could ever have hoped for."

The clatter of dishes brought Natsuki out of her thoughts again. _She is always so good to me. I really don't deserve her._ Shizuru was humming slightly, a small smile on her face as she continued to scrub the dishes in their kitchen. _**Our**__ kitchen._ Natsuki thought with a smile.

It was just a few months after their first kiss that Shizuru had asked Natsuki to move in with her. Natsuki nearly giggled remembering how nervous her girlfriend had been when she brought it up. _She was really scared._

She was filled with a great warmth when she remembered the smile Shizuru had when Natsuki said yes. _She was so happy too. That was the only time she really asked for any thing. I'm just glad I could give it to her._

Natsuki cringed again when another memory came up. All her insecurities and her desire to please her girlfriend brought up another terrifying subject. Sex. For one she knew nothing about it, and two it really scared her being that close to someone.

She also knew that Shizuru wanted it. Or at least she thought she did. "A girl like that is probably thinking about dumping you if you haven't laid her yet."

That comment had gotten Nao a black eye but it also scared Natsuki to the core. She didn't think she could stand losing Shizuru and so it was then that she reached a decision.

That same day she told Shizuru she had something special planned for them. After a special dinner Natsuki led a shocked Shizuru into the bed room.

"You- you can have me…" a nervous Natsuki said staring at the ground, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Shizuru nearly jumped on her then, and Natsuki just leaned back and let Shizuru do what she wanted.

_But she caught me_.

She thought she had hidden it well but Natsuki was absolutely terrified. She was trembling and nearly crying when the whole thing began and seeing this Shizuru immediately stopped.

"Natsuki what's wrong?"

"No-nothing. Keep going."

"Natsuki…" Shizuru stroked the side of her face. "What are you doing?"

"No-nothing, keep going." A now tearing Natsuki said, desperate to get Shizuru going again before she lost her nerve.

She saw tears well up in Shizuru's eyes. "Please…"

"Natsuki…" Shizuru said pulling her close. "Don't force your self for me. This is enough for me."

Natsuki began to sob, her fears of losing Shizuru overwhelming her. "Please? You can do what ever you want."

"I want to hold my Natsuki." Shizuru simply said putting her hand on her head. "Your not going to lose me Natsuki, so please, don't force yourself for me again."

They fell asleep holding each other close again that night.

When the big day had come for them Natsuki had been just as nervous but most of her fears were gone. She of course bungled her way through it somehow and came out the other end hoping she had done well. Shizuru of course was great, just like with everything else she did she was perfect and took Natsuki's breath away.

When it was Natsuki's turn she found her self approaching the precipice of the highest mountain she had ever known, and Shizuru just kept inching her closer and closer to it, all the while making her feel comfortable. And when it was finally time to leap, Shizuru was there, holding her saying, "I'll never let go." It was only afterwards that Natsuki realized she had been crying, but she didn't care. The love she felt for the girl who held her completely overwhelmed her, the only thing more powerful was the love she felt from the other girl. It was at that point that Natsuki found the one place she never wanted to leave.

Tears began to well up in Natsuki's eyes at the memory. "You love me so much…"

"Ara, Natsuki should know it's rude to stare."

Natsuki quickly shook her head and looked directly at Shizuru who was now standing in the kitchen doorway, holding a steaming cup of tea.

"I-I wasn't staring… I was just thinking…." She said defiantly, trying to fight off a blush.

_She always teases me though…_

Quickly turning her attention the blank T.V. screen in front of her she nearly choked when she heard a cry of, "Kawaii!!"

Thinking nothing of it for a moment Natsuki ignored it then remembered something right before letting out a loud "oof!" as Shizuru landed on her.

"Ah, did you HAVE to jump on me?" she yelled looking down at the face resting on her chest.

"I couldn't help it, Natsuki was just so cute." Shizuru said, a ditzy smile on her face as she began to cuddle into Natsuki's chest.

Natsuki just stared down at the ex Kaichou on her chest. It always amazed her how the always dignified and graceful girl could always act so childish and playful in private. _If only her fan club could see her now._ She thought with a smirk. _I love this. _

And she really did. Thinking back to how she just loved everything about the girl on top of her. She loved all the little things she learned about her after they had moved in together. All the private details of the others life became visible to her and she truly loved moments like these more than anything. _I think moving in together did more for me than for you._

Bringing her hand up to stroke the others hair she said, "I love seeing you like this."

Shizuru looked back up at her a questioning look on her face, "What does Natsuki mean?"

Natsuki let out a small sigh, "You just seem so…free. So…happy." Warmth spread throughout Natsuki when Shizuru's face lit up with a bright smile.

Nuzzling back into her chest Shizuru said, "How can I not be happy, with my Natsuki."

Natsuki chuckled slightly before she went back to stroking Shizuru's hair. A few moments passed before the other girl spoke.

"You know, being like this with Natsuki, is kind of…"

"Is that all you ever think about?"

Shizuru slowly looked up at her, a serious expression on her face. "No, this is all I want." She said nuzzling her chin back into Natsuki's chest. She repositioned her arms under Natsuki, as if to emphasis where they were. "This is all I ever wanted. I told Natsuki that."

Turning her head back on its side she cuddled back into Natsuki, who just stared down at her. _You really do only think of me._

Rubbing her head into Natsuki Shizuru quietly spoke, "My Natsuki."

It was a simple statement but it was filled with so much. Love. Possession. Sadness. Pain. Safety. With that sentence nothing else mattered to Natsuki, she felt loved, she felt wanted. The only thing that mattered more to her than those feelings were to make sure Shizuru felt them too.

"Your Natsuki." She said quietly, voice cracking. Shizuru looked up at her, tears in her eyes. Natsuki put her hands on the side of her face ignoring her own tears, she began to brush away Shizuru's with her thumbs. "My Shizuru."

The look she saw in Shizuru's eyes was beyond joy, beyond anything Natsuki had ever seen before. She felt a swell in her chest as tears began to freely fall from Shizuru's face as she leaned forward capturing Natsuki's lips.

The kiss was full of everything they felt for each other, each trying to pour all the love they felt for the other into it. There was a need in it beyond anything sexual. It transcended anything physical and both sides just melted into it.

When they finally broke apart Shizuru crawled up to Natsuki's side and whispered, "More than I could have ever wished for."

Wrapping their arms around each other they once again fell asleep in each other's arms. Each finding the deep sense of peace they both fought so long to achieve.

* * *

Omake: 

Natsuki: Oi, squall

Squall: Ya, whats up?

Natsuki: Why are Shizuru and I always crying in your fics

Squall: Well, your girls

Natsuki: and...

Squall: Girls cry alot, right?

Natsuki: ...

Squall: ...

Natsuki: You know your going to die right?

Squall: Thats why im slowely backing out of the room...

Ha ha ok i thought that was funny. This above ismy first self written omake )

A/N: Well just wanted to let you guys know i am alive. Physically still in butt load of pain but phycologically (that even spelled right?) im alright. Oh happy Singles Awareness Day to you all, hope we all made it through without any scaring (i know i didnt lol) ok sorry if there are alot ofmess ups here, i blame the drugs im on atm hydrocodone and the plethera of other crap im on and i dont get along to well

ssjx7squall


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